


Square One

by pherryt



Series: What Time Forgets [3]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Angst, Family, Forgiveness, Healing, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, On screen suicide, Protective Nicky, Supportive Andy, Temporary Character Deaths, There's another one, Tired Bucky Barnes, Winter Soldier - Freeform, bonding all over again, canon divergent winter soldier, finding sanctuary, identities revealed, post old guard, post winter soldier, protective Joe, supportive nile, talk about past joe/nicky/bucky, temporary suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:13:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28683096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pherryt/pseuds/pherryt
Summary: It's been nearly 50 years since James sacrificed himself to save Joe and Nicky from a very Merrick like fate.  They had no idea he was about to become a presence in their lives once more, looking almost as young as he had then.Jameswasn'tan immortal, so it should have been impossible, but there he was on the tv, clear as day.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, implied others
Series: What Time Forgets [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2043673
Comments: 74
Kudos: 95





	1. The Winter Soldier

**Author's Note:**

> So originally, part 2 was going to be the end. What is now Part 3 is mostly written, but when i went to fill in the gap of the original part 2, i realized it could be broken apart again, and i could expand on a few things in part 3 a bit more. So... I did.
> 
> So, Part 2, all of it is written and just waiting on second beta, but otherwise it's done and can be read alone. This also continues to work in the original moodboard prompt posted in the first story.
> 
> Thank you's go to both Hermit and Vexbatch for the beta!!
> 
> The BAD TAGs all pretty much happen in just one chapter with a little bleedover in the next and I'll give a warning when you get there.
> 
> Last thing - just like the previous part (not counting the intermissions) this is written from Nicky's POV - EXCEPT one spot. I was worried that it felt out of place considering its the only outsider POV there is in all 3 parts, BUT, I felt it had important info and both of my beta readers insisted it worked.

“Joe,'' Nicky said, his voice choked. He'd stumbled backwards, hitting the sofa with an inelegant flumph, eyes not straying from the tv. He cursed in Italian and went on, "He's still alive, Joe."

On the screen was footage of DC, shaky phone cameras, Captain America in civilian gear but clearly recognizable, fighting another man who moved far too familiarly for Nicky's liking. It wasn't possible. But the way he fought - Nicky had never seen anyone else that fought quite the way the Winter Soldier had and they'd crossed paths with the Winter Soldier far too many times in their line of work over the last few decades.

But as his mask was knocked from his face and Nicky saw underneath it for the first time...

The sofa sagged beside him, Joe cursing. "It's been him all along? What did we leave him to? That... that is not the man we knew."

It wasn’t quite truth. They’d known that HYDRA had used him, broken his mind… but underneath what they’d done to him, James had been something else, something special.

“Who the hell _is_ he?” Nile asked.

“The Winter Soldier. Mercenary, assassin. We've crossed paths with him before.” Andy was eyeing Joe and Nicky. "But I wasn't aware we knew him as anything more than that. Talk."

“Remember that year we split, boss, when Nicky and I went to Romania?”

Andy nodded.

“We didn't know it was him. _He_ didn't know who he was. But there was an organization - HYDRA, you remember?” Like any of them could forget. “They got their hands on Nicky, learned what we were, and he sacrificed himself to get us away.”

“Almost 50 years ago we walked away from him. It never sat right with me, or Joe. We searched for him, after, of course we did. But we couldn't find him. That he's still alive after all this time? What did they do to him to turn him into _that_?” 

“He didn’t want to be a…” Joe hesitated, reaching for NIcky’s hand. “He didn’t want to be a weapon.” _Like we are_ , Nicky thought. “They did it anyway.”

Nicky remembered the chair, the brief stint he’d had in it, the way it scrambled his brain so badly it had taken a little longer to heal from. But James had blown the place up on their way out – James and the chair should have been gone.

Not that that had stopped Nicky and Joe from looking, from hoping that James had gotten out of there before it went. And after all this time, they had thought he was dead. Not…

Joe pressed into Nicky and Nicky leaned back, taking solace from it. His brain was flicking through things. The Winter Soldier had a bionic, metal arm. They’d heard all the stories, never actually seeing the soldier face to face. He’d tried to take them out long-distance far too many times though.

But Nicky had never made the connection. Because it wasn’t possible for James to be the Winter Soldier – the Soldier had been around _too long_. But the arm.

' _We should have known_ ,' he muttered to Joe in Italian.

' _There was no way we could have_ ,' Joe answered, trying to reassure Nicky, but his voice was tinged with an uncertainty that did nothing to help Nicky’s guilt. Joe felt it too, he knew, as they were usually one in so many things.

' _But the arm – we saw it ourselves_!' They’d thought it an amazing piece of tech when they first saw it. Clunky, for sure, and not this streamlined version they could see on the screen, but amazing all the same.

 _'What do we know of the limits of science – that there are some, yes, but those limits are being pushed everyday. We have known many people with false limbs, we could never have been certain, even if we had suspected,'_ Joe said, sounding a little more sure now. 

“HYDRA?” Nile asked incredulously, breaking into their quiet conversation. “You mean, the Nazi organization from World War 2? I thought Captain America wiped them out before he... disappeared.”

“Apparently he didn’t do a very good job of that.” Joe pointed at the tv where the footage of their old friend had changed, showing a catastrophe in DC, strange aircraft going down into the river, and the news ticker across the bottom declaring that Captain America had once more gone missing in his fight with HYDRA, believed to be a casualty of the Winter Soldier. 

Andy shook her head. "It can't be the same man. Look at him - you said yourself it's been 50 years. He's not one of us. If he was, we'd know it."

Nile mused about that one. "Well, Captain America is over 100 now and he still don't look a day over 30."

"Sure, but he was a lab experiment _and_ he was frozen in ice. He wasn't exactly active like this guy was,” Nicky said.

“He wasn't always active,” Andy said slowly. “There were gaps, decades at a time where there’d been no whispers of him.”

“What are you saying, boss?” Joe looked at Andy sharply and Nicky blinked at him, trying to work it through for himself. 

Andy stood up, looking pointedly at the laptop, brand new, and not the beat up thing they’d all gotten used to seeing in Bookers hands. Another reminder of how they’d fucked up. “We need more information,” Andy stated. It didn’t mean anything more than that Andy liked to know what was going on, but Nicky had to remind himself to breathe in his anxiety, his hope. Joe pulled Nicky’s hand closer and rubbed it, letting their fingers twine together.

“On it,” Nile said, pulling the laptop over. “Tell me what you know.”

Exchanging looks with Joe, Nicky started talking, carefully editing things as he went. 

“There’s not really much to tell. We encountered James by accident in Romania, circumstances led to us staying together, for a short time. We discovered James couldn’t remember much of anything, not even his name, and the possibility that HYDRA had once had their hands on him. He healed fast, too fast, and we’d planned to bring him back with us –“

“Nicky,” Andy said softly, voice filled with mixed understanding and disapproval.

Joe stood abruptly and paced towards the screen, flinging an arm out. “Considering what we’re seeing now, I don’t think we would have been wrong if we had.”

“You two should _know_ better,” Andy said, her voice still low, but firm. Solid. “A mortal? Really Joe? Really Nicky?”

“You don't understand - “

“He’s not like us!” Andy wasn’t shouting but her words filled the room like she was. “We would know if he was. And we’ve all gotten a real up close and personal look at what people will do when they realize what we are. Or have you forgotten? Time and time again, and what have we gotten for it? What have we suffered?”

“Andy, we will not leave him behind again. We will not let him suffer like Quynh.” Joe faced off with her, Nile’s eyes gone wide as her gaze bounced between them.

“This is nothing like her,” Andy hissed, pain and guilt in her voice, though she did a good job keeping it off her face. 

Nicky’s gut twisted. This couldn’t continue. 

He couldn’t let something like this pick at their family. They’d already lost Quynh, then Booker. They may have picked up Nile along the way, and Nicky already loved her like she’d been a part of them for ages, but Nicky was tired of losing people he cared for, no matter the reason. 

Nicky knew he and Joe were right, but he also understood where Andy was coming from. Still, it was the right thing to do, Nicky was sure of it. He stood, stepping between Joe and Andy and put a hand on both of them.

“Listen, boss, we know. But it’s not so simple either. You’re right that he is not one of us, but neither is he one of them,” Nicky said calmly, evenly, even as a part of him wanted to scream and rage about the injustice of it, of what had been done to James and their own part in it. He just had to convince Andy, to make her understand _why_ this was so important _._

He stepped closer to her, his hands raised beseechingly. “He’s just as alone as he would be either way. He is trapped between and has lived longer than he should, suffering. You would understand when you meet him. There’s something… we cannot explain it. But you will know it. At least you have to understand we need to make sure he’s okay, because I guarantee he is not.”

“He sacrificed himself for us, Andy, _after_ he learned about us,” Joe said softly, placing a hand on Nicky’s shoulder. Nicky closed his eyes and leaned back into it for a brief second of solace, all he’d allow himself before opening them again and watching Andy while Joe talked. “We owe him.”

Andy passed a hand over her eyes, the other braced on her hip. “What happened?”

“Nicky went out for supplies, but HYDRA was looking for James. They had made him a weapon and they wanted him back. They wanted to do the same with Nicky when they realized…”

Nicky shuddered and Joe was there in an instant, tugging at his shoulder, turning him about, taking him into comforting arms. Nicky lay his head against Joe’s and just breathed him in, taking comfort in the way he felt, the way he smelled. All of him Joe.

“And James wouldn’t risk us getting captured when _he_ realized,” Nicky whispered. “He helped Joe come to my rescue, then destroyed the HYDRA base so no one who knew our secret would survive. We thought him dead too.”

“But you still looked for him,” Nile asked softly.

Joe nodded, rubbing his hands up and down Nicky’s arms. “But time passed, so eventually we stopped looking.”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” Andy asked.

“It was a while before we regrouped, and then there was that thing over in…” Joe scrunched his eyebrows together adorably as he tried to remember.

“By the time everything was over…” Nicky shrugged. “It didn’t matter any more.”

Andy sighed again. She looked over at Nile. “Find anything yet?”

“Are you kidding me?” Nile asked. “I still don’t have much to go on. They're not telling us everything.”

“They don't have to tell us _any_ thing,” Andy said. “We’re family, yes, but our lives are still our own, even if I don’t always approve of their decisions.”

“I'm just saying, if we’re going after this guy, you all can’t be keeping secrets,” Nile pushed.

“We promise, we’ll tell you anything relevant,” Nicky assured her earnestly, Joe nodding and jostling Nicky where he still stood in Joe’s arms.

Rolling her eyes, Nile turned back to the laptop. After a few moments of typing and scrolling, she was frowning at the screen.

“Huh,” she said. “Someone just dumped a shitload of information from the SHIELD-but-actually-HYDRA files online, but your boy is _suspiciously_ not among them.”

“Keep looking,” Andy demanded.

“Yeah,” Nile sighed. “Okay, but I’m just saying, I’m not sure I’m going to do any good.”

True to her word, Nile kept at it, but Nicky’s stomach churned with worry, with guilt, and he had to step away and clear his head. He turned to the kitchen, pulling free of Joe’s arms, and went to see about making a meal. A distraction would be best, he thought, and he set about pulling ingredients hoping to put his spiraling guilt out of his mind.

“Nicky,” Joe said softly behind him, a hand coming to splay over Nicky’s lower back when Nicky paused, both hands braced on the countertop, his head bowed. “Nicolò, it wasn’t your fault.”

Nicky shook his head. 

"If it is anyone's, it is mine," Joe said. "It was obvious you were not thinking as clear as was usual. I know you would have fought more for James if you had. And I was scared. Properly scared for the first time in…" Joe's head dropped into Nicky's back, a welcome weight. He groaned, the sound of it muffled by Nicky's shirt and Nicky reached back for Joe. “If you must blame yourself than you must also blame me,”

“But I do not.” Nicky turned in Joe’s arms. “I could never -”

“Then perhaps there is no blame to be placed,” Joe said, bumping their heads together and staying there. His voice was hoarse as he spoke. “It was a terrible situation, an impossible choice.” 

Nicky could see Joe did not believe it.

“We are not the ones who must forgive. We need to find him, and let him decide and then we must live with his choice, whatever it may be.”

* * *

When Copley was woken by a sound from downstairs, a ring of metal on metal, it didn't surprise him.

Now that he knew perhaps one of the world’s greatest secrets - and had used it for ill - he had come to expect being at the beck and call of those people he owed a great debt to.

He was used to Andy showing up at odd hours unexpectedly, demanding information or the next job. Or it was Joe, checking up on him - it was no secret Joe still didn't trust him after what happened with Merrick. Nicky had been a little more forgiving but he still eyed Copley warily. Nile was far more forgiving than _any_ of the others, but that was probably helped along by the fact that he'd helped her rescue the crew. Andy, he knew, was simply pragmatic.

But despite that, he didn't expect to find _Nicky_ in his kitchen at 3am making himself at home. 

“What?” Copley stifled the yawn.

“You're going to do me a favor,” Nicky said. It wasn't a question. That was fine, Copley wasn't going to argue. He owed them much. _Humanity_ owed them a lot, and humanity would never know. He could at least do his part to repay them for what he’d done, and to thank them for the things they continued to do.

"I think I need some coffee for this favor."

Nicky nodded at the corner where the pot already steamed. Shaking his head, Copley filled a mug and leaned against the counter looking at Nicky and wondering exactly where Joe was, and then wondered if he should be worried by his absence.. Nicky might be the sniper of the group, but they were all formidable with just about any weapon Copley could think of, and probably more than he could. He took a sip.

“What do you need?”

“Information on this man,” Nicky said, sliding a phone over, already opened to a video. Copley choked, spitting out the mouthful of coffee. 

“Him? Why?”

“I have my reasons, but let's just say what Merrick did to us was child's play to what that man has been through.”

“Merrick barely had his hands on you,” Copley couldn’t stop the words from leaving his mouth. He winced and Nicky noticed.

“Exactly. This man... he saved us from the same fate nearly 50 years ago, but he hasn't aged a day.”

“Another immortal?” 

“No. A friend. Someone who is lost.” 

“Then how - “

“It’s HYDRA, do you really need to ask? They did something to him to prolong his life, to turn him into a mindless weapon,” Nicky said. “But Joe and I have seen beneath to the man he was, the man he can be, if he was allowed. And that was a good man. We know he was not always what HYDRA made him to be, that it was not his choice. He needs help, Copley.”

Nicky bared his teeth at him in what could only be called a smile if one was being generous.

“And we’re going to give it to him.”


	2. Looking For James

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING IN THIS CHAPTER - 
> 
> On screen (temporary) suicide
> 
> (if you want to skip the onscreen bit and go straight to aftermath, it starts at "James was knelt" and ends with "No!" Nicky shouted...)
> 
> After that, there's a lot of hurt/comfort, angst on all sides in the aftermath - but especially Bucky's state of mind since he believes certain things that i gave spoilers about at the end of the last piece in this series.

The information that Copley found for them about James wasn’t good.

It was also somewhat of a shock.

“James “Bucky” Buchanan Barnes?” Nile repeated in disbelief at the reveal. “Captain America’s best friend, a Howling Commando - how the fuck? He  _ died. _ ”

“His name really was James,” Joe said. “I knew there was something familiar about him but how -”

Andy stared at the laptop, watching footage from the war, what little remained. “I think we met him once,” she mused. “In passing between missions. We were always on the move, and so were the Howling Commandos. We didn’t work together - there was too much ground to cover, and they had too many eyes on them that we didn’t need.”

“He  _ died,”  _ Nile repeated. “And none of y’all dreamt of him?”

“No,” Nicky said. “And we only dream of people who died and became immortal. Ergo -” He waved his hand helplessly, throat tight. It meant James had fallen to his death, but had survived the fall somehow. That he’d probably lain there, in the ice and snow, broken, bleeding, waiting for someone, for Captain Rogers or one of the others to find him and bring him home. 

But they never had. 

Someone else had gotten their hands on him. Whether it was HYDRA or not, didn’t matter. It was all the same in the end, because that's where James had ended up.

“But there’s no way he could have survived that fall,” she protested, a half step behind Nicky’s thoughts.

Joe pulled one of the folders from the table, flipped it open and handed it to Nile. “Captain Rogers' first mission for the war included rescuing Sergeant Barnes and the men who became the Howling Commandos among others from a HYDRA base in Azzano. From this report…”

Nile took it, giving it a scan. “He wasn’t found with the others. He was being  _ experimented  _ on,” she said with all the distaste that Nicky could wish. She shook her head, eyes wide with the same horror he felt. “They  _ did _ something to him.”

“We told you, boss, that he healed fast,” Nicky said softly. He stared blearily at the papers before him, at all the evidence of torture, brainwashing, escapes and recaptures. 

So many escapes. 

So many recaptures. 

James had been right; they would never have been ‘safe’ with him at their side. But now… now that HYDRA had had such a huge blow done to them, maybe now they could get to James and save him and hide him away from them. They could stand between him and the rest of the world, because it wasn’t only HYDRA who wanted him now.

Nicky’s heart was heavy and he dropped his head into his hands. He’d told Copley the Winter Soldier had endured much worse than they, but the reality of it was so  _ much  _ worse than Nicky could have imagined. 

Joe might have, with his keen mind and imagination, but it was not something he would have  _ wanted  _ to imagine, Nicky knew.

Who, besides HYDRA, would  _ want  _ to do such things?

“Right, well, how do we find him?” Nile asked. “The best spies all over the  _ world  _ with the full support of entire agencies couldn’t find him in 70 odd years. How do  _ we?” _

Andy  looked at Nicky and Joe assessingly, arching an eyebrow at them . “That’s a good question.”

“We’ve got Copley on it,” Nicky said. “James is too smart to go back to Brooklyn or stay in DC, and he won’t remember Romania -”

“But that still leaves the whole world open to him,” Joe finished. “He is a ‘needle in a haystack’.”

“And we won’t be the only ones looking for him,” Andy said, echoing Nicky’s thoughts of only seconds before. “CNN just confirmed Captain America is dead. Body found on the banks of the Potomac. We sure we want to do this? We’ll be up against the Avengers, and you can be sure they’ll have a bone to pick with him.”

Nile just stared at the three of them. “You’re still going to try, aren't you?” At their silent nods - even Andy had come around, as Nicky had suspected she would, even if she still had her reservations - Nile just shook her head. “Y’all are insane, y’know that, right?”

“You don’t have to come,” Nicky said gently.

“Fuck no, someones gotta watch over you three. Andy’s still likely to charge in without thinking and the two of you get pretty tunnel visioned when someone you know is threatened or hurt.”

Nicky let out a sigh of relief, letting himself relax slightly. James was still out there, out in the wind, hurting and who knew what, but he and Joe had their family on their side.

It would work out. It had to.

“Thank you, Nile,” he said quietly. Joe added his thanks and then the four of them buried themselves back into the data Copley had unearthed for them. It wasn’t pretty, but they probably needed to know, for James’s sake.

* * *

It took far too long to find anything of consequence and even then, it was flimsy as hell.

They were already over halfway to America, flying into JFK Airport, using a private plane that Copley had arranged for. It allowed them to spread out their research and to comb through the data they’d gotten. They half listened to the tv playing current events as background noise while Nile tried to track down anything about where James might have gone to ground.

Nicky sorely wished they’d paid better attention to Bookers lessons when he’d been around. Booker had always worked the internet a little like magic.

There was a blip on twitter, a note about a sighting of a man with a metal arm. Flimsy. They all knew  _ how  _ flimsy it was.

But if it was right, then James  _ had  _ gone back to Brooklyn.

“Is he suicidal?” Nile asked.

Nicky shrugged. “Sometimes the best place to hide is in plain sight.  Anyone who doesn’t know who he is won’t think to look there, and anyone who does … well, they’ll have assumed it was too obvious a choice. The Winter Soldier is accredited with events that took master planning. He could be taking the risk that they’d expect him to be too smart to return to his old home grounds.”

“ Doesn’t matter why,” Joe said. “We need to get there  _ first. _ ”

Nile shook her head. “We’re still hours away from Brooklyn. You don’t think Stark won’t get there first?”

“Starks in DC,” Andy called across the plane. “Digging through the rubble for clues there. It’ll be close.  _ Real  _ close.”

Nicky spread out a map of Brooklyn, already covered in marks, things of significance to James Barnes. 

“Show us where he was spotted,” he asked Nile. Taking out a red marker, she did just that. Joe peered over his shoulder, looking to see if it held any pattern to their research of the old James.

“Is he trying to remember who he is, do you think?” Nicky asked Joe softly.

“Wouldn’t you?” Joe answered. Nicky conceded the point and then spent the time planning where to look for James. There were too many places that felt far too obvious to check and yet - 

By the time they landed, they had a list of places to look and a plan of sorts, deciding to break up into two teams to search for James. If Andy and Nile found him first, Joe made them promise not to approach him unless things were looking bad. Nile tried to suggest that Nicky and Joe not search together, so that whoever found James would have the advantage of knowing him.

Nicky shook his head, heart in his throat. He didn’t want to see James without Joe. he wasn’t sure he’d have the strength.

“He won’t remember us,” Nicky said around the lump there. “If he can’t remember himself, then he won’t remember us. HYDRA broke his mind. It won’t matter.”

“Then how do you plan to reach him?” Nile demanded.

Andy just grinned. “It’s Nicky and Joe. Look at them now and try to imagine them as the enemies they once were. They’ll find a way.”

Nicky grinned at the faith Andy had in them, letting it buoy his spirits. He took a deep breath, took Joe’s hand and they walked off the plane into the private check through. Whatever Copley did to arrange things had them through and out of the airport and on an AirTrain to Jamaica in less than half an hour  without so much as an eye blink at some of the… oddities in their luggage or carry ons.

They switched trains there, taking the LIRR into the Atlantic Terminal, heading to Brooklyn. All told, it took 50 minutes to leave the airport and reach their motel. They dropped off their stuff and headed out.

They didn’t have any more time to lose. At least there’d been nothing online about anyone else finding him - just yet. If Nicky was still the praying type, he’d be doing just that right now, asking that they would get to James first.

But with each place they crossed off their list, with each call or text to check in with Andy and Nile, the more afraid Nicky grew that someone else would find James first, that they were looking in the wrong spot.

What if James had come and gone - let himself be seen and then used that to hide somewhere else? It would have been a sound tactic. Concentrate all the search efforts in one location so wherever he went was ultimately safe.

Nicky didn’t believe that was what he’d done, though. If that was James’s plan, then there would have been more sightings before he’d gone to ground.

They’d been at this for hours, and all the likely spots had already been checked. Now they were casting about blindly in a city that they’d not visited in far too long, that had changed more than they had expected.

It didn’t help that they had few clues about James’s past for where he might go. But they knew a couple things that hadn’t made it into the history books, a few things James had haltingly remembered all those years ago.

Places James had remembered haunting at night, though he could not remember why. Work, he’d thought, maybe. Places that pinged in Joe and Nicky’s memory as safe spaces.

They headed towards the waterfront next, the last place they could think of to check, looking for anything that might have survived but not holding out hope for it. Too much had changed, especially here. Places that had been deliberately closed down, bulldozed over to make way for progress.

They checked several buildings along the way, but none of them were right. It was late, and hope was growing dim, when they found another building, half hidden in darkness, no lights to make it stand out. Abandoned. 

Nicky and Joe looked at each other. It wasn’t any more promising than the other places they had checked, but there was no way James had been able to find an apartment or a motel room, not without pinging radars. 

“He has to go to ground somewhere,” Joe said. “We might as well check there.”

Nicky’s phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out to find a text from Andy. He frowned at it. “They want us to call it for the night, start again tomorrow.”

“I  _ am  _ tired, and hungry,” Joe said. “Maybe we do need fresh eyes.”

“Here first though,” Nicky insisted.

“Ageed.”

Nicky: _ Looking at one more place, then we’ll meet you back at the hotel. _

Andy:  _ OK. Let us know when you’re on your way back. We’ll have food waiting. _

Pocketing his phone, Nicky nodded and he and Joe made their way into the abandoned building. They weren’t sure what it had been - a hotel once, maybe? Or a residential area? Something that had been shut down for some reason, who knew what. They crept through the building carefully, ears straining for sound, the halls illuminated in a strange, purple light from somewhere outside as it bled through windows and gaps in the walls.

They were five stories up when they saw a different light, softer, yellower. Exchanging looks with Joe, Nicky’s heart pounded. They didn’t know if it would be James, but he was hoping so hard and he knew, with the way that Joe gripped his shoulder briefly, that Joe was too.

Never mind that they had no idea what to expect, no idea how they would convince James they were friends, not foe. Who knew how much James had recovered of himself, or if he would feel like a cornered beast, ready to lash out at anyone that got too near.

But Nicky had to hope. Because James had gotten here without leaving a trail of bodies, after all.

They approached the open door the light poured from cautiously, not wanting to startle whoever it was inside. Joe and Nicky stopped just before it, Nicky darting across the doorway to mirror Joe on the other side. Both of them carefully leaned in, and what Nicky saw left his blood running cold.

James was knelt on the floor, a knife at his own throat, eyes red rimmed. T here was already blood on the ground, blood on his hands, his skin, and Nicky’s inhaled sharply. James’s eyes landed  on Nicky and Joe at the sound. They flashed, filled with despair, anguish, determination. Heart in his throat, Nicky lurched forward just as James slashed his throat.

He slumped to the ground, falling sideways and hitting the wooden floor with a thud, f resh blood pooling around him  and mixing with what was already there before Nicky could get two steps across the room. Together, Joe and Nicky ran for James, Joe making his own wordless cry from beside Nicky.

“No!” Nicky shouted, going to his knees beside James. “Oh god, we were too late.” Joe dropped beside him, muttering curses. The both reached for James, rolling him to his back. He was different then the last time they’d seen him; his clothes  and his hair, but his face was still youthful, even after all this time, definitely still him , with only bare traces of having grown older.

“We failed him, Joe,” Nicky said thickly. Joe placed a hand on Nicky’s shoulder and their heads bowed together - 

And then both of them startled  apart, twisting to look as James jerked and gasped, eyes flying open, his hand grasping for his throat.

The slice was already disappearing. 

Joe and Nicky stared in shock, but were quickly pushed out of it as James blindly reached for the knife that had fallen from his grasp with a quiet, near soundless sob.

“No, my friend,” Joe said, quickly pushing the knife aside. “It will not work. Let us help you.”

“Just let me die. Let it be over,” James choked, his eyes piercing Nicky deep, begging and haunted. “It’s what I deserve.”

“No, no it’s not,” Nicky said, drawing James into his and Joe’s laps, cradling him. This man was  far stronger than they were, Nicky recalled, and if he wanted to fight them, he could.

But the fight had gone out of him, and he simply lay there limply in their arms,  shuddering.

“It is. I hurt so many people,” James whispered. “If I die, if I’m gone, I can’t hurt them anymore.”

“It wasn’t you,” Joe said, sweeping James’s hair out of his face with a tender touch. Finally, James showed some life in him, pushing away from them, scrambling t o put space between them, stopping only when his back hit a wall  and he was forced to stop , glaring.

“Don’t act like you know who I am! What I’ve done! You don't know me; _ I _ don't know me! But I know what I’ve done. What I was made into. I was a weapon and all I’ve done was kill!”

“We  _ do  _ know you, better than you think,” Joe said. “And it’s not all that you’ve done. You saved us. What you became was not of your own choice and you  _ saved _ us from that, and we repaid you poorly.”

James shook his head and sobbed, curling in on himself. “I don't even remember you,” he whispered between the sobs.

“That's okay, because  _ we _ do. And even if you never remember, we won't forget you, not ever. We’ll keep you always in our hearts and we will do a better job at keeping you safe. We promise you as you once promised us.” Joe held out his hand and Nicky held his breath, waiting for James to accept.

James’s arms were wrapped around his knees, legs drawn into his chest, hair obscuring his face. He was shaking his head, the hair falling away from his face and his shoulders were still heaving. Nicky and Joe exchanged glances. This was their fault, that he was so broken, having allowed him to take their place. And god, to find out he’d been an immortal all this time – what would HYDRA have done with that information if they’d known? And they’d let HYDRA have him.

Never mind that it had been his choice, and they’d felt bound to honor it. Never mind that they’d  _ tried  _ to look for him after. They’d still failed.

Like Andy with Quynh, it would haunt them for all the rest of their time on this earth.

“We still love you,” Nicky said softly. “We’ll take care of you. Just let us help ease the pain and help you heal. You’re not alone anymore, and you don’t have to be ever again.”

“Why can’t I die?” James asked suddenly, head lifting to look straight at them, tears still running down his face. Nicky  _ ached  _ to go to him, hold him, wipe the tears away and comfort him. He knew Joe did, too. “Why can’t it just be over? I’m tired.”

“We don’t know,” Nicky admitted, feeling his heart breaking at every word. From the way Joe leaned against him, the grip of Joes fingers along his shoulder, his heart was breaking too. “But neither can we. I promise you, James, _you are_ _not alone.”_

James shuddered at the words and his eyes, so blue, so _lost,_ stared them down. He was so young, though not as young as when they’d first met. Not as young as Nile even then, but the pain etched on his beautiful face was enough to last _lifetimes._

“Please,” Joe asked, holding his hand out once more. The usually eloquent poet reduced to single, simple words.

James hiccupped, staring at Joe’s hand, then - with his own trembling - James let go of himself, reaching for Joe. At the first touch of their fingers – James’s red and bloody – James seemed to sag and Joe quickly reeled him in, back into the comfort of their arms.

“I killed him,” James choked out, the words muffled in Joe’s shirt. “I killed Stevie. He was… he was…” he trailed off. “And I killed him.” Sobs racked his body again and Joe rocked him, ran hands over his hair and whispered soothing words and soft shhs’s. Nicky curled up against Joe, at first, staring down at James in shocked disbelief before he shook himself and stood.

The condemned and abandoned building that James had found was unlike the cabin they’d first encountered him in, in quite a bit of disrepair – a good place to go unnoticed - but it still had some of what they needed. There was a sink here, and cabinets. Nicky rummaged for a bowl and some clothes, filling the bowl with water and bringing it back to set beside Joe and James. Dipping the cloth into the water, he set about gently cleaning the blood from James’s fingers and his nonexistent wounds.

There were several.  Stripes of blood patterning his arms, his blood soaked collar . How many times had he tried this? It made Nicky ache at the raw pain of it. 

If they had slept, would they have seen it?

The sobs quieted into something softer, less painful to hear and see, and Nicky was certain that James had fallen asleep on Joe, cradled in the first soft touch he’d had since… Nicky didn’t want to think it, but probably since that time in the 60’s, when they’d all first met.


	3. Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS:
> 
> Some violence in this chapter  
> also, another on screen (temporary) death. Could maybe be classified as suicidal as he really just... let's it happen?
> 
> From " Before Nicky or Joe could speak another word" to "How in the HELL?"
> 
> also you might notice a tiny bit of regression on Bucky's end when he 'wakes up' again.

Nicky’s phone vibrated in his pocket multiple times, and then Joe’s started ringing too. But Joe’s hands were filled with James, and Nicky was cleaning away the blood and grime that caked their old friend.

“We need to get him out of here,” Joe said. “If we found him this easily, others can too, and you know Captain America’s teammates won’t rest till they find the man that killed him.”

Easy. Right. Nicky nearly snorted at that, but Joe wasn’t wrong. They’d found James within hours of landing in Brooklyn. Which meant others could too.

“I know, but how?” Nicky asked. “Tony Stark is one of those friends, and he can hack  _ anything.  _ Moving James without Stark finding out is going to be near impossible.”

“Already was,” a voice boomed before the wall blew in and revealed Iron Man hovering just outside the building. “Step out of the way. This doesn’t need to involve you.”

James startled awake in Joe’s arms, shoving away from both of them and staring up at Stark with fear and resignation in his eyes.

Joe and Nicky stood, carefully making sure they were between James and Iron Man.

“No, we will not let you kill this man,” Nicky said.

“This  _ man _ is a war criminal. He killed Cap  _ and  _ my father.”

“What he is, is a POW,” Joe spat out. “He needs help, not your vengeance.”

“I will not hesitate to blast you all if you do not get out of my way,” Stark growled.

“He doesn’t deserve this,” Joe snapped back. 

“Hate to break it to you, but he’s the bad guy. He’s been working for HYDRA and has killed countless people besides Steve and my dad. He really, _ really _ does.”

“You think he did that of his own volition?” Nicky asked quietly. “You think a man such as James Barnes, Captain America's best friend, would willingly have done anything like that?”

Nicky could feel his rage and ire rising. Behind them, in the hall, were footsteps, and two more people came into view. The unknown black man with the wings who had fought with Captain America in DC and Black Widow. 

“I was subjected to the very machine used to torture his mind. It held me for a mere few hours and it  _ still  _ tore my mind apart,”  Nicky spat out. He gestured behind him . “And he had to endure that for  _ decades." _

“You look fine to me,” Stark snapped.

“I have a unique… ability to get better from most things" Nicky hedged. "He did not. You must have had access to the files from SHIELD, you had to have read them? You are a smart man, from what I hear, surely you have read between the lines. Seen how this man fought it every step of the way. Every escape, every time they brought him back and tortured him again and again. He is no war criminal. He was a prisoner of war and he deserves our sympathy, our help and our respect.”

There was a tired sigh behind them and then a hand on his shoulder as James pushed between them. "Just let him," he said quietly.

Nicky and Joe both turned to look at James.

"No," Joe breathed, pain in his eyes.

"It will do them and you no good," Nicky urged just as softly. 

“Stark, maybe we should listen to them,” the winged man said.

“Why? I don’t even _ know _ you, Wilson. I don't know why Steve went to you instead of me. If he had, we wouldn’t be  _ in  _ this mess.” Stark's voice was full of anger, so clear despite the mechanical tone of it. “Steve wouldn’t be  _ dead.” _

“Tony,” Natasha snapped. “Steve’s death wasn’t Sam’s fault.”

“No,” James said. “But it  _ was  _ mine.” He shook off Nicky and Joe and stepped further forward, squaring his shoulders. Nicky’s heart pounded because James might be immortal now, but he didn't want James to hurt, and coming back to life didn’t mean things didn’t still hurt. James had had enough of that for many lifetimes, in Nicky’s opinion.

Before Nicky or Joe could speak another word of protest, Stark’s suit flashed, an energy beam crossing the room and hitting James with pinpoint precision, the force of the beam pushing him back and into a wall.

There was a moment of stillness, then  James fell forward, his body hitting the floor with a thud far too loud in the ensuing silence, and then everything erupted. Wilson and Widow were yelling at Stark for being so rash. Black Widow, in particular, was looking betrayed - for what reason Nicky didn’t know and didn’t care. He and Joe were at James’s side, carefully looking him over, holding their breath, waiting for - 

The gasp when James surged upward, coming back to life silenced the room.

“How in the _ hell _ ?” Stark growled. 

As before, James flung himself back, away, though he didn’t have far to go before he hit the blood splattered wall. He stared at Nicky and Joe with no recognition in his eyes. His chest was heaving and his hands shaking. 

Then he looked further up, saw faces he  _ did _ recognize and a word, broken and stuttered fell from his lips, a spark of hope in his eyes. “S-st-stevie?”

Nicky’s heart sank. With how HYDRA had broken his mind, would James relive the trauma before his death every time he died?

“You killed him,” Stark said relentlessly. “Why the fuck are  _ you  _ still alive?”

James shuddered and a sob broke through. “I don’t know… I… don’t know. I tried… didn't I? I think... I tried to kill myself… why can’t I kill myself?”

“Shh….” Joe reached for James and James flinched away.

“Easy, James,” Nicky said, reaching more cautiously, a little slower. “We can take you somewhere safe, remember? Somewhere where your mind can heal.”

“It doesn’t matter,” James whispered, staring at them with broken, grief stricken and guilty eyes. “I killed him, my best friend. Let them take me and kill me again and again. however many times it takes before it sticks. It can’t be any worse than what HYDRA did to me.”

The sound of Iron Man's suit hitting the floor and clanking forward made Nicky whirl and reach for his gun. He glared at Stark, whose faceplate was flipping up and his face… was filled with horror.

Beside him, Joe growled. Deprived of being able to comfort James, he stood. He, too, pulled out a gun and he aimed it at Tony.

“Do  _ not _ get any closer,” Joe snapped. “We have no wish to fight the Avengers. You do far too much good in this world to see your light extinguished so soon, but we will not let you harm this man any further.”

Nicky’s eyes flickered about the room, taking in stances, expressions, and he lowered his own gun, watching as Widow walked forward, to the blood stain on the ground, the spilled bowl of bloodied water and the rags, the knife. She knelt beside it, and her face was filled with pained sympathy.

Trying to keep one eye on James and the other on the Avengers, Nicky stepped forward, put a gentle, but restraining hand on Joe’s shoulder.

“Joe, stop,” he said, before switching languages. ‘ _ Look at his face, Yusuf. I do not believe that he _ **_truly_ ** _ wants to do James any further harm. He is hurting.” _

Joe lowered his gun with a grunt. “Fine. He killed Steve. Now you’ve killed him. You’ve gotten your revenge, let that be enough.”

“Jesus, what the fuck is going on here?” Wilson asked, stunned disbelief on his face. Black Widow sighed and stood once more, her own weapons holstered.

"Tell your Avenger buddies, the Winter Soldier is dead. This man is James and he is unkillable,” Nicky said.

“But… how? And why  _ him  _ and not someone else like… Steve? There was so much good he could have done in the world, still. Why couldn’t  _ Steve _ come back?” Stark's voice was filled with so much pain.

Behind them, James made a pained sound of his own. It made Nicky’s heart ache. He saw the twitch in Joes’ shoulder that meant the same.

“We don’t know the answer to that,” Joe said. “We’re sorry for your loss. It is an immeasurable one, for not just the world but for you. But you cannot kill this man, and he has already suffered so much. Leave him be.”

“If he wants to make amends, and he really can’t die, then he should come back with us, fight for our side for once,” Stark said.

Widow was already shaking her head. “No, Tony. Look at him. He’s in no state to fight. They’re right. He needs  _ help _ .”

“We can’t just let him go!” Stark shouted incredulously.

James winced.

“You will,” Nicky said firmly. “You will let him go with  _ us. _ ”

“We don’t  _ know _ you,” Stark countered.

Joe snorted. “If you don’t already, you will soon enough, I am sure. How do we know we can trust that you will let us walk away after you discover our secrets?”

Stark made a face Nicky couldn’t categorize, one that was a mask for something Stark didn’t want them to see. “You don’t. See where I’m going with this? You have no reason to trust me, and I have no reason to trust you and I have every goddamn reason in the  _ world  _ to bring that man in.”

“Walk away,” Joe said. “We let this man go once, and look at the harm that came to him for it. We will not do so again.”

“You seriously gonna throw down with us,  _ the Avengers _ , over  _ this _ guy? Why? You know you won't win, right?” Stark countered with.

“Is that right?” Nicky asked, feeling his face split into a grin. He didn’t actually believe Stark was willing to fight them anymore, but Stark had always been unpredictable if the news was at all reliable. Beside him, Joe groaned.

_ 'You never could back down from a challenge.' _

_ 'You love me for it." _

_ 'That is only one of the things I love you for,"  _ Joe returned, flashing a fond smile back at him briefly before putting his attention where it currently belonged – in front of them.

“What the hell language is that? Jarvis can't translate it!” Stark looked affronted. Nicky gave him a look of wide-eyed innocence.

“Are we fighting or not?” Nicky asked, watching Stark. “Because we have things to do, people to take care of, and you are in the way.”

He continued to watch them, assess them, as he knew Joe was doing as well, as he waited for his answer. The other two were reluctant, and willing to listen, but if a fight broke out, Nicky was sure they'd back their friend. They were a team, after all, a family of sorts. Just like him, Joe, Andy and Booker, Quynh and Nile… no matter how battered that team became, they were still family.

With his and Joe's skills, he was equally sure they could manage Widow and Wilson just fine. And of course, they'd survive anything that was thrown at them, but Stark's armor would be hard to get through, if he was polite enough to stay in reach.

Nicky didn't think polite was in Starks vocabulary on his best day

Widow shifted, pulling everyone’s attention and breaking the staring match between Nicky, Joe and Stark. She approached, bringing James’s weapon with her, wiping the blade down carefully before approaching Nicky and Joe. They both tensed as she did. She searched their faces with her own impassive one and Nicky wondered, suddenly, if they had ever crossed paths before. Finally, she nodded, holding out the knife hilt first.

“For what it's worth, I think you and Steve are right. Take care of him,” she said.

“We will,” they said in near unison.

Tony spluttered. “What? Nat!”

Widow started walking away. “Come Tony.”

Clanking as he walked, Tony moved to her side, gesticulating wildly and walking backwards. Nicky kept waiting for him to fall over something. “You can't be serious! We don’t even know who they are! They could be more HYDRA for all we know!”

“We are leaving, Tony,” she repeated, giving him a hard look. Wilson whistled, but followed along easily.

Tony stopped in his tracks, whirled on them and pointed an accusing finger. “Fine, but you keep him in check. One toe out of line and I  _ will  _ find you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did NOT know the other Avengers would be making an appearance when i started this. I also thought this would be their only appearance. I was wrong (though not again in this part) funny how the muse goes, isn't it?
> 
> This is the shortest chapter of this bunch. but that's okay. the next one is like, double the size. But i really couldn't figure out a better way to break it up...


	4. Meeting the Team

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so like i said, this is the extra long chapter. after this we have one more to go for this part , then we'll break for a bit while i polish off the final part which is mostly written

The silence they were left in when the Avengers departed was thick with tension. James stood there, like a lost puppy, pain and confusion writ largely all over his face.

“Why?” he croaked. “I don’t understand…”

Nicky approached slowly, carefully, remembering bits from those early days when he and Joe weren’t anything more than enemies, brought together by a similar fate. Joe joined him, though they were both careful not to crowd James.

“James, you are an extraordinary man, who has had some truly horrible things thrown at him. We just want to help you remember who you are, give you a fraction of the peace that you deserve,” Joe said softly.

“But I don’t know you,” James insisted.

“We know you don’t, not now. Maybe never, but we know _you,”_ Nicky said. He held out his hand. “You can’t stay here. Too many people are looking for you. Good _and_ bad. Your fate in either case would not be a pleasant one.”

“And what are you, if you are neither?”

“Good question,” Joe answered. “We don’t know. We try to do good. We don’t always succeed.”

“All a person can ever do is try,” Nicky said. “That’s what makes us what we are.”

“I don’t want to be the bad guy anymore,” James whispered, tears in his eyes, though he didn’t allow them to fall this time.

Nicky reached for James’s face slowly and James stared at him as if mesmerized, frozen in place. Nicky swept his hand over James’s cheek, then threading back into James’s hair and gripping the back of his head gently. “You don’t have to be,” he whispered back.

James fell forward into Nicky’s arm with a sob and Nicky caught him, carefully lowering them both to the floor, Joe kneeling at their side, hands splayed over James’s back and rubbing the way he did when Nicky had a nightmare.

Nicky hoped it would be as soothing to James as it was to him.

It took a long time for the sobs to die out, but James didn’t fall asleep this second time. Just clung to Nicky, body trembling, and when Joe stood, his hands leaving James’s body, James whimpered, though he quickly smothered it. Joe was back in an instant, whispering soft words and reassurances.

“I shouldn’t trust you both so completely,” James said finally. “But something is telling me to.”

Nicky felt a surge of hope at that, that despite the lack of memories, somewhere inside James was the sense of them, enough to give them his trust. It would make this easier. He caught Joe’s eyes and saw the same hope echoing there.

“That’s good,” Joe said. “Given time, your mind will even heal, and you’ll remember some or all of your life before.”

“You might even remember us,” Nicky said.

“I remembered Stevie,” James whispered. “But I remembered too late. There was a voice telling me to trust him too, but… I didn’t listen.” He choked. “ _I didn’t listen.”_

Nicky pulled James closer, nearly into his lap, his heart breaking. “But you are listening now, James.”

“What if I don’t _want_ to remember?” James asked. “HYDRA had me, for so long. The things I’ve done – _had_ to have done… I don’t…”

Nicky carded his fingers through James’s hair. It was matted and dirty, blood-soaked, too. “We don’t know. We can’t answer that, but we’ll be there to help you through it, all right?”

Joe's phone rang, breaking between them and startling James into Nicky. Nicky’s arms instinctively tightened around James. Joe cursed and his hands dropped away, fumbling for the phone. He stood, turning away.

“Andy, we’re fine,” Joe said. “We found him.” He hesitated and looked at Nicky. Nicky shrugged back. The Avengers were a possible danger, Stark even more so if he truly was able to dig up anything about them. Copley wasn’t on the same level as Stark, after all. Andy _needed_ to know about the confrontation.

She really wasn’t going to like it.

As Joe continued to talk, switching over to one of the many languages the team knew and James would not, Nicky coaxed James to look up at him.

“We need to get to a safehouse. We _should_ be able to get you out of here no problem, but we’ll need to get you cleaned up and new clothes before we get too far. Are you… will you come with us?” Nicky asked, one ear on Joe’s conversation where Andy _definitely_ wasn’t taking the news well, as he had expected. His heart pounded, but he strived to keep his face calm, cool, awaiting an answer he was unsure of.

James hesitated, then nodded once, short and sharp.

Nicky let out a breath of relief. He closed his eyes, bowing his head briefly. “Thank you, for trusting us.”

* * *

Andy and Nile arrived an hour later with supplies. James flinched at their appearance, but he stood his ground. His eyes flicked to Joe and Nicky, obviously seeking reassurance, willingly taking his cues from them. So much trust, so fast, despite everything HYDRA had to have done… it was amazing.

Nicky moved forward, taking the bag from Nile, leaving a kiss on her cheek. “Thank you, Nile.”

“Anytime,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest, and nodding at James. “So, he’s immortal?”

“Ah, Joe told you?” Nicky asked, already crossing back to James.

“He did,” Andy said. “But I already knew.”

“What?” Nicky stopped and turned, raising an eyebrow.

Joe shrugged. “James was asleep in my arms before the Avengers arrived, remember?”

“But Andy can’t – _Nile?_ ”

“I was _taking_ a _nap_. Imagine my surprise when your boy appeared in my dreams,” she said. James was staring at her with wide eyes. “Thanks for that, by the way. Now I’m no longer the new one.”

“You… I _saw_ you… I thought it was a memory,” he whispered.

“Yeah, no, not this time. You can rest assured, this is the first time you and I have ever met,” Nile said, pointing between them. James relaxed a little, shoulders and head sagging downwards.

“Thank god,” he whispered.

“Come,” Joe said, steering James away from them. “I found someplace you can clean up before you change.”

“That boy is a mess,” Andy said as they left the room. “Are you sure you want to take this on? With the whole world breathing down our necks?”

“Not the _whole_ world,” Nicky said. “The Avengers backed off.”

Andy snorted at that. “Well, shit. I stand corrected.”

Nile stifled a laugh and even Nicky had to smile a little, even against the swirling pit of uncertainty that had opened up inside of him.

“Still,” Andy went on. “How long do you think _that’ll_ last, especially with Tony Stark at the helm?”

“Andy, he’s immortal now. Even if we wanted to abandon him, we cannot,” Nicky insisted.

She sighed, passing a hand over her face and then resting her hands on her hips. “No, you’re right. He is our responsibility now.”

“No, he’s Joe’s and mine,” Nicky said, feeling strangely defensive about it. Then he shook his head. “Andy, I think we need to bring Booker back in.”

“Have you talked to _Joe_ about that?” Andy asked.

“Haven’t had a chance. I only just realized it now. Look, he’ll be dreaming of Booker and Quynh, the same way he dreamt of Nile. James is going to have a lot to deal with already, anything we can do to make it a little easier is probably best.” Nicky’s eyes softened, his heart going out to Andy the way it always did anytime Quynh was mentioned, or they ran into something reminiscent of her at one of their safehouses. He reached for her, pulling her into a hug. “I’m sorry, Andy.”

Andy took a breath and let Nicky hold her for a moment before pulling away. “We can talk about this later,” she said, which was Andy speak for ‘ _let’s never_ ’. “Let’s just get that poor kid out of here.”

Of course, they weren’t quite ready to leave, just yet. Nile handed him another bag and Nicky changed right there. Nile squeaked and turned away and Nicky laughed softly, tucking the bloodied clothes away into a third bag, one they would destroy later. Andy didn’t even bother to turn away; they were all long used to each other's nakedness and habits, all sense of modesty and shame or anything else burned away with centuries of being together.

As he changed, Nicky told Andy and Nile about what happened. The distraction was welcome, even though he knew Joe had already said. Despite that the Avengers had come and gone, Nicky was anxious to get them moving and it was taking longer than he would have wanted to get James out of there. Long enough that when he finished talking and tossing ideas about with Andy, Nicky went after Joe and James. He hesitated in the hall outside the bathroom Joe had found for James. The door was open and Joe stood outside it.

“What’s wrong?” Nicky asked, the worry and concern already there flaring up at the sight.

Joe shook his head. “Nothing, Nicolò. He did not want to feel trapped, and I am merely standing guard, to help him feel safe.”

‘ _He hasn’t -?’_ Nicky glanced at the open door in concern, listening to the patter of water as it hit metal, plastic and skin, the echo of it in the clawfoot tub _._

 _‘No,’_ Joe assured him, putting his arms on Nicky’s shoulders and touching their foreheads together. ‘ _He is confused. He is unsettled, but he has not yet tried to kill himself.’_ The _“Again”_ lay unspoken between them.

Nicky closed his eyes and put his arms around Joe’s neck, but not pressing in close, else it would ruin Nile’s efforts. He took in Joe’s scent, finding comfort in it, as always. ‘ _I am worried for him.’_

 _‘As am I,”_ Joe agreed.

The water turned off and Nicky tensed, listening, but not allowing himself to look through the open door. They were strangers to him now, they had not the right to intrude on his privacy. He listened as James moved about. The wet footsteps, the swish of a towel sweeping over his body, the droplets of water hitting the floor, and then the rustle of the bag and the sound of clothes being pulled on, zippers rising, buttons snapping into place.

At last, Nicky looked up, when he knew James must be presentable, and smiled at the handsome man standing before them.

“How do you feel?”

James seemed to take stock of that question. “Better,” he said quietly.

“I always find a long, hot shower helps me feel more human,” Joe supplied, “though that’s nothing compared to a nice soak, especially in a tub big enough to share.” 

James winced and paled and even Joe paused as he seemed to rethink some of his words. 

“James…” Nicky said, reaching for James without letting go of Joe. “You are _very_ human. You are not what they made you. You are a person, with a name, a past and a future, and people who care for you.”

“I don’t see _how,_ ” James said. But he inched a little closer and hesitantly took Nicky’s hand. Their fingers curled together the instant James did and Nicky felt the knot inside of him ease a bit. They stood there a few moments before a clearing throat made James jump away from them.

Nicky and Joe separated a little more slowly. Andy stood there, looking very much put upon. “If we want to get out of here and somewhere safer, we should get moving.Joe,” she said pointedly, eyes roaming over his bloodied clothes.

“Ah, was this why you didn’t just hug me?” Joe asked Nicky with a laugh. “Fine, boss. Who has my clothes?”

Nicky handed Joe the same bag, and Joe’s clothes dropped away right there, much the same way Nicky’s had. James blushed and looked away and Joe chuckled.

“It is not as if you haven’t seen all this before,” Joe said, giving James a wink, and Nicky would have heard that cheeky grin even if he hadn’t been looking and seen it on Joe’s face.

“W-what?” James asked, his head whipping back around, catching sight of a nearly naked Joe and blushing even hotter before he managed to tear his eyes away.

“Be easy, amore mio,” Nicky tsked. “Do not embarrass and tease him with what he cannot remember.”

“Ah, of course,” Joe said. “Apologies.”

Andy rolled her eyes, turned on her heel and left.

* * *

Getting James back to the hotel Copley had arranged wasn’t a problem. 

This late at night, with four of them at his side, the walk back to the hotel was a nice little stroll, even if James was a little twitchy. He stuck close to Nicky and Joe, Andy in the lead - because always - and Nile at the rear. So new, and already so damn determined to protect.

Nicky had been pleased to see how well Nile had taken to their little group. Sure, the beginning had been a little rough, but who among them had had one that wasn’t?

And it didn’t look like that trend would be changing, anytime soon. 

The hotel room was actually a suite with two rooms off the main one and Nicky caught Joe looking around, a little impressed.

“Think Copley still feels a little bit guilty?” Joe asked. “It’s nice.”

“He damn well better be,” Andy muttered under her breath.

“Nicky, this place didn’t have a kitchen, so we ordered out,” Nile said, heading towards a mini fridge. “Since it’s Brooklyn - “

“That means pizza,” Nicky said, nodding. Turning said to James. “Do you like pizza?”

James tilted his head at Nicky, his expression unsure. “I can’t remember having any.”

“But you know what it is, right?” Nile asked, pulling a couple of boxes out and placing them on the table. It was a decent sized fridge, for a hotel, Nicky thought. “You’re a Brooklyn boy, you gotta.”

Shrugging, James said, “Sure. I know a bunch of things that I don’t remember any direct experience with.”

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Probably know stuff from exposure on missions, or information HYDRA made sure you knew so you wouldn’t… stick out,” Nile said thoughtfully.

“Nile,” Andy said. “Why don’t you get in touch with Copely, let him know what our status is.”

“I’m on it,” Nile said, pulling a laptop out from behind the pizza boxes and opening it up, settling in at the table. 

“I’m - I’m not hungry,” James said, his voice sounding strange, and Nicky and Joe exchanged worried glances. What Nile said must have gotten to him, shaken him, and Nicky was unsure how much James would want them in his space.

“That’s all right,” Joe said softly, with all the love and care in his voice Nicky often would hear towards him and it warmed his heart to hear it aimed at James. “You should rest. There will always be food waiting if you are hungry later.”

“Yeah, I think… I think that’s a good idea.” James hesitated, looking around the room. Nicky looked at Andy and she sighed, pointing at the side rooms. 

“Nile and I took that one, you boys can fight over the other one. The couch also pulls out. Or we can try to squeeze five of us into one bed,” she said. But Nicky could see the way she looked at James cautiously, already knowing that would be a no.

“James? What would you like to do?” Nicky asked him gently. “Would you prefer to be alone, or do you want Joe and I to stay with you?”

“I-” James started, then choked, looking away. His hands clenched and Nicky became aware of a whirring sound that had been steadily pinging at his awareness for a while now. The arm, he realized, the plates shifting - for whatever reason. Emotional? Was it tied into James's emotions? Or was it physical? Because he clenched his hands? Or a little of both, the emotions James was obviously fighting back, fighting against, causing a physical response?

“It’s your choice,” Joe said, equally as gentle. “You get to make those now. As you always should have been.”

“I _think_ that… I should not be alone,” James admitted slowly. 

Nicky smiled at him sadly, but Joe beamed at James. 

“Good, that's very good. We can do that. Whatever you’re comfortable with, we can do that,” Joe said proudly.

“All right then,” Andy cut in. “You boys can get settled in. Nile and I will be awake a little longer. Tomorrow we can talk over bagels and coffee.”

“Sounds like a plan, boss,” Joe said, picking up his bag from where it had been left when they’d dropped their things off and then gathering up James on his way to the bedroom, flashing Nicky a look that pulled Nicky along effortlessly.

Going to bed was a little awkward. The last time they’d done this, for the first time, they’d already known James a few days at least, and he’d been nervous about it then too.

“We’re not going to do anything,” Nicky assured him. “Just sleep.”

Joe popped up behind NIcky, wrapping his arms around his waist and propping his chin on Nicky’s shoulders. Nicky leaned back and tilted his head into Joes. “Nicky might steal the blankets, though, so watch out for that.”

“I think he should be more warned of your tendency to become an octopus,” Nicky said, smiling and pressing a kiss to Joe’s cheek. The angle was awkward, but Nicky didn’t care.

“You wound me!” Joe gasped in mock offense, pulling away from Nicky, but his grin was too wide.

“Octopus?” James’s voice trembled and Nicky and Joe whirled in tandem to see he’d gone pale. James stumbled back until he hit the bed and then just collapsed onto it like his legs had given out on him, staring up at them blankly. 

Maybe they had.

What had they said? Here they’d been trying to make him feel more at ease, and somehow they’d made him feel worse - and then Nicky made the connection and guilt immediately hit him. Of course James had reacted badly. The symbol of HYDRA, despite the mantra about heads, looked much like an octopus.

“Ah, mia caro, perdonami - forgive me, _please_ ,” Nicky reached for James carefully, but hovered, not touching. “I did not mean such a thing. I only meant that Joe likes warmth, and he seeks it like a flower seeks the sun.”

“Mostly, I just love cuddling with my Nicolò,” Joe clarified. “And Nicky wanted to warn you that I might, in our sleep, attempt to cuddle with you as well.”

“Did we… before?” James asked, biting his lip as he looked up at them.

Nicky wanted to reach out and soothe that bite away but he held still. 

“That and more, when you were ready for it,” Joe said. “We moved at your pace, and we can do that again, James. No matter where we were at in the past, we can start over, for you.”

James’s lips curled a little in bitterness. “And you won’t be … angry with me that I want nothing more?”

“We would be surprised if you did,” Nicky said. “Why would we be angry?”

It was clear to Nicky - _and_ Joe - that James expected it, and it was all too understandable why. Not doing what HYDRA wanted meant punishment. Nicky had learned that first hand, even in the brief time he’d been in their hands. James sat stiff, prepared for a blow that would not come and it hurt Nicky so much to see it. He met Joe’s eyes and watched them bleed for James in what he was sure was a mirror image of himself.

“James, may we touch you? Just a hug, nothing more,” Joe said.

The plaintive ‘ _yes’_ James uttered would have broken the hardest of hearts.

* * *

The next morning woke with the three of them tangled together, James facing them and his eyes wide, a fine tremble along his body. But when they did nothing more than smile at him and smooth away his hair, the tremble eased. Joe stirred behind Nicky, leaving kisses along his shoulder before propping his chin up on Nicky and yawning wide.

Nicky rolled to his back, Joe falling into his chest with a laugh. Smiling, Nicky reached for Joe and pulled him in for a proper good morning kiss. It might have turned to more, but Nicky was mindful of their current bedpartner. Stretching, Nicky sat up and looked at James.

“How did you sleep?”

James shrugged, but his eyes looked a little wild. He’d probably dreamed of Quynh, then and - unlike Nile - hadn’t screamed himself awake, waking them in the process. Nicky didn’t like the implications of why he hadn’t, but he was sure all the blame could be placed on HYDRA, as likely most things could. James had probably had that instinct tortured out of him. Nicky didn’t want to imagine how. Slipping his legs under him, Nicky turned to face James as Joe rose.

“I’ll go check on the others. Let me know if you need me,” Joe said, leaving Nicky with one last kiss, then squeezing James’s shoulder lightly. James twitched but otherwise remained where he was. His gaze followed Joe out of the room, then snapped back to Nicky.

“What now?”

“First, tell me what you dreamed,” Nicky said softly.

“Nothing good,” James said, not meeting his eyes. “Nothing of import.”

“James, there are things you need to know, about this, about us,” Nicky said.

“We were… lovers?”

“Yes, but… that's not what I meant,” Nicky said. “Your dreams - “

“Memories -”

“Maybe some, sure,” Nicky agreed. “But not all of them.”

James’s gazed snapped back up, locking onto Nicky’s with a desperate question, and a little bit of fear. Fear of - of what? That he’d gone crazy? Nicky supposed it was a fair enough question. He’d thought the same, once, after all.

“There are two others like us, and since you haven’t met them, you’ll dream of them. Maybe not _every_ night,” Nicky said. From James’s sharp inhale, Nicky was absolutely certain now that he’d dreamed of Quynh. “But enough.”

“Why?”

“We think the dreams are to help us find each other,” Nicky said. “It is destiny that we meet.”

“Who are they?”

“Booker, you’ll meet as soon as we can arrange it. He’s only not with us right now because… well, it’s a long story. When you meet, the dreams of _him_ will end. It’s Quynh that will be difficult and is the reason I am most worried,” Nicky said. 

“Quynh - is she the drowning woman?” James asked.

Nicky nodded. Telling a new immortal that they’d forever dream of a woman drowning again and again and again, slowly going mad, never got easier. Sure, James was only the third they’d had to tell, but one had already been too many. The only hope, for hundreds of years, was that Quynh would either be saved, or would die like Lykon, putting her out of her misery one way or the other.

That Andy had become mortal first was a blow to all of them.

“One day, perhaps, we’ll find her,” Nicky said softly. “Then her torment will be over, and so, too, will your dreams of her. I cannot imagine it is pleasant, to dream of drowning.”

“You don’t dream of her?” James asked. 

“Not anymore,” Nicky said. “She and Andy were the first immortals Joe and I met, besides each other.”

“How many are there?”

“Not many, though it’s the most I’ve ever known,” Nicky admitted. “You, me, Joe. Nile, Booker, Andy,” Nicky didn’t think he’d ever stop thinking of Andy as one of them, immortal or not. “-and Quynh.”

James didn’t ask anything more and Nicky let him be. There was already a lot to process with more to come, and answers that didn’t really answer anything. Like why. Why them, why him? How come _they_ lived forever?

Nicky thought of Copley’s wall and thought it was too bad it’d been taken down. It might have been good for James to see, might have given him hope the same way it had done Andy. But then he thought of all the violence and torture James had lived through and thought the poor kid might need some time off before getting into their world, before getting tossed right back into the fighting.

If it was ever something he could stomach the thought of returning to.

They dressed and left the room, finding Andy and Nile just getting back with steaming cups of coffee and two giant brown bags Nicky knew were filled with bagels.

For a few moments, all was chaos as they worked to settle down at the table, passing out the coffees and opening the bags. Bagels were argued over, but Nile and Andy had done a good job getting a variety and there were plenty for everyone. James was quiet, even more so than Nicky remembered from the last time and he and Joe exchanged worried looks.

“Y’know, I don’t think anyone’s actually made official introductions,” Joe said suddenly, swallowing a last bite of bagel and reaching for another. “We all know who you are, of course, but to you, we just turned up, right out of the blue.”

“I think he knows all our names by now,” Andy said, angling her own bagel at James. “We’ve been using them all along, and he’s a smart boy.”

“It’s only polite,” Nicky chided, but with good humor. Andy sent him one of those small smiles and sipped her coffee. Nicky turned to James but before he could say anything James opened his mouth.

“Joe, Nicky, Nile and Andy,” James said, pointing to each of them in turn. Then he shrugged. “She’s right, none of you guarded your names and… and I was trained to pick things up. It was easy.”

“Okay, but what now?” Nile pushed. “Y’all just had a standoff with _the Avengers_ over this guy, and he’s wanted in _how_ many countries?”

“That wasn’t him,” Nicky protested. James made a sound that tore at his heart. “He deserves better than he’s gotten.”

“Yeah, I know, I saw the file too,” Nile said, looking at James apologetically. “Sorry, man.”

“Then you must understand-” Joe said.

“I do understand. I understand that it’s gonna be harder to hide now, and that we won’t be taking on any more jobs for a while. We can’t, if we’re gonna be down half the team. And don’t give me that me and you bullshit, Andy, you’re mortal now. We’re not taking that risk solo. So, I’m askin’,” Nile said, her voice gentling as she looked around at the four of them. “What now?”

Nicky rocked back and looked from Joe to James and back again. It was silent, James’s eyes wide and panicked as he sat stiffly, uneating.

Leave it to Andy to break the silence. 

“They don’t know, Nile. They were so focused on finding him and getting him safe that they didn’t think past that point. And now he’s one of us, and that changes things.” She leaned back in her chair and stared at James. James stared back. “What do _you_ want?”

“Me?” he asked, his voice small. Andy nodded, encouragement emanating from her. James looked down at his hands, away from all of them, his hair falling in his face. “I - I don’t know.”

“He needs to heal,” Joe said quietly. “And he needs the time and space to do it. The first we have plenty of. The second becomes our next question - where?”

“Not here,” Andy said definitively. “We’re not the only ones who are going to come looking for him here. And just because you got the Avengers to back off, doesn’t mean others will.”

James shuddered.

“Well, you got spaces everywhere, all those safehouses -” Nile started.

“The ones that are still intact are mostly in Europe,” Andy said. “It’s getting harder and harder to maintain them. Wars, natural disasters, squatters.”

“Taxes,” Joe muttered.

“And even with Copely’s help, there’s no way we’re getting him out of the country. He’s on everyone's radar right now.”

“Do we have to?” Nile asked.

“Everyone around here’s bound to be looking for him,” Nicky pointed out. 

“Yeah, but, the U.S. is _big._ There’s gotta be someplace we can all go to ground for a bit? And that’s probably gonna be better for him, being someplace that's a little more familiar, right?” Nile looked around at them all.

“She’s got a point,” Joe conceded. “What do you think, James? Any preferences on where to go?”

James looked up, obviously startled at having been asked _anything,_ even though it wasn’t the first time _._ “I… it doesn’t matter. I don’t really know anywhere but here, and all that’s changed anyhow. As long as… as long as I don’t have to fight anymore.”

“Of course not,” Nicky said softly.

Shaking his head, James pushed back from the table. His body was coiled and tense, hands clenching. “No. You said… missions. You fight. You all fight. I can see it. You want me to believe that you’ll just… stop, because _I_ don’t want it?”

“Maybe we won’t,” Joe admitted. “It’s what we do and we do a lot of good. We’ve seen it. But we can take a little time off and help you first. But you _don’t_ , James. Just because _we_ do, doesn’t mean you have to.”

“But there will be problems, and we have rules,” Andy said. “We can’t let people know what we are. For that reason, we don’t stay in one place too long.”

“Then we go someplace remote. There’s still places like that around here. Maybe somewhere in New England?” Nile suggested, looking around the table. The others were nodding and James was slowly retaking his seat.

Joe reached for James, and Nicky watched his husband catching James’s eye and the way James tensed, then relaxed under Joe's grip. “We could use a break too, it’s been a… a rough year for all of us. What we do, even if it helps other people, it takes its toll. We can all use this time to heal. Will you come with us?”

James swallowed, and Nicky held his breath as James and Joe locked stares. If it had been him, Nicky would cave in an instant to the care and concern and softness in Joe’s eyes. Had done, so long ago, when they should have been enemies, when they’d killed each other so many times they’d lost count. Joe may wax poetic about Nicky, but Nicky would move mountains for Joe if he so much as hinted that was what he wanted. How could James resist Joe?

The answer was, apparently, that James could not, for he nodded and Nicky’s breath caught at the beaming smile that spread over Joe’s face. “Thank you for trusting us, James,” he said softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mia caro, perdonami - my dear, forgive me  
> amore mio - my love
> 
> as usual, italian through google translate so... *crosses fingers*


	5. A Much Needed Rest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is, end of this part - and a spot where you can rest easily while waiting for the last part of the series which is mostly written, I think, though it might be growing a bit too, I'm not too sure. the END Of it is written, at any rate (because that's how I am, always writing out of order). I just haven't been able to quite finish off the part before it yet because I'm in a few events with deadlines and have been working on those things too at the same time.
> 
> and I'm tentatively thinking of another intermission style piece, real short, another persons POV once more. if i do it, you'll know.
> 
> anyway, once again, when i start posting the next part, it will be 100 % written and I'll post as chapters are beta'd. but for now, this ain't a bad spot to stop, yeah?

Once a plan was agreed on, they talked to Copley and he made it happen. As soon as he gave them the go ahead, they were back on the road, leaving Brooklyn behind. Andy drove with Nile up front while Nicky, Joe and James sat in the back. James sat behind Andy, looking out the window with a shuttered expression.

How many memories were running through his head? How many places and buildings didn’t line up to what he remembered? Nicky knew how disconcerting that was, to have been away from a place so long that it changed it’s landscape and skyline so drastically as to become nearly unrecognizable. They all did,  except Nile, so at least they could understand that part of James.

Andy and Nile split away as they neared Boston, going to pick up Booker at Logan Airport while Joe, James and Nicky stayed behind, holing up in a small hotel and keeping James as out of sight as possible.

That had been a discussion and a half, but everyone had agreed,  even Joe \- Booker and James had to meet. Nicky still felt the pain of Bookers betrayal keenly - so did Joe and Andy, he knew - but he felt guilty too. Bookers words flashed through his head - 

_ “What would you know of the weight of all these years alone? You and Nicky always had each other, right? And all we had… was our grief.” _

They could have seen it coming. Booker's grief had been a palpable thing, and they had done  _ nothing.  _ And now they were punishing him, by making him even more alone than he already had been. 

He and Joe had talked about it, had regretted the decision, knew the others did too. The betrayal had hurt, but after the initial shock of it had faded, they’d worried. James gave them the excuse to end Bookers banishment early. Nicky still didn’t know how they could help Booker, but it  felt like a step in the right direction.

The hours waiting for them to return was more than a little nerve wracking. What condition would Booker be in? Had he drowned himself in his guilt? Nicky wanted to take comfort in Joe, but they had James to worry about now, and he didn’t want to make James uncomfortable.

The motel didn’t even have a kitchen to keep Nicky distracted. He sighed and pushed his book away, leaning into Joe. Joe looked away from the tv in concern and James looked up from his chair by the window.

“Why…” James paused when they both turned their attention to him. “If he’s one of you, why are you both so tense?”

Nicky passed a hand over his face and Joe wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“Because we failed him,” Nicky said heavily.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Joe said. “We couldn’t have known that he would take his grief so far.”

James waited as they thought about the words to say what needed to be said. But there was no way to really soften the words, even with Joe’s penchant for the poetic. Nicky sighed again.

“Booker was having a real hard time coping with… being this, like us. His family didn’t take it very well when he outlived them, and he never recovered from that. We tried to be his family, but we weren’t enough, we weren't what he needed. He was good at pretending, though, and we thought,” Nicky looked at Joe helplessly, trailing off.

“We thought he just needed more time. And we had all the time in the world,” Joe said, wrapping his fingers around Nicky’s, grounding him as always.

“I truly believe even he didn’t mean for it to go so far, he just wanted it to be over,” Nicky explained. “But because of him, we were taken by unscrupulous men who wanted the secret to our immortality. Tortured.”

“It didn’t end well,” Joe said, as James blanched and Joe added, “for  _ them. _ ” 

“And you still trust him?” James whispered, eyes lost and haunted, wide as he stared at them with a desperate fear.

“He’s family,” Nicky said. “Even if we were angry for a time.”

James shook his head. “There are some things even family can’t forgive,” he said, his voice going flat as he retreated inwards.

Nicky wanted to push, to tell James it wasn’t the same, but James didn’t look like he was in a listening mood.

James stayed in that morose mood, unwilling to look away from the window, or to talk, his face impassive and icy. This was a far cry from the man they’d met all those years ago in Romania. Then he’d been wary and skittish, but he’d been recovering his memories and he’d been… hopeful was not the right word, Nicky decided, but he wasn’t sure what was.

But now, now it was like he’d given up.

No, it wasn’t  _ like  _ he’d given up. Nicky remembered the pool of blood and glint of knife with a shiver. Joe pulled Nicky in closer, curling his arm around Nicky’s shoulders and Nicky slumped into Joe willingly, craving any sort of comfort.

‘ _ We almost lost him, Yusuf,’  _ Nicky whispered. ‘ _ I’m not sure he’s ever going to be all right, or if we can even help him. We are so far out of our depth.” _

_ ‘Hey, Nicolò, shhh… We’ll do everything we can, our best,’ J _ oe said softly, turning enough to bump their foreheads together.

_ “What if that isn’t good enough? Book -” _

_ “Was - is - a different story. He was a warning sign so we never make the same mistakes again,”  _ Joe answered.

Nicky closed his eyes and breathed in Joe: his rock, his anchor, his love.

He opened them again, seeing James in profile against the sun streaming through the curtained window, cracked just barely to be seen out of.

He hoped Joe was right.

* * *

“So you’re the new one, hey?” Booker shook his head, sitting down in the chair across from James after he, Andy, and Nile all let themselves in, avoiding an awkward greeting with Nicky and Joe. He’d nodded, then looked away guiltily, and that was about it. Pulling out a flask, he took a pull before using it to point at James. “Word of advice, kid, don’t make the same mistake I did.”

“Think it might be too late for that,” James whispered, going pale, finally breaking his silence of the past hour.

“Hey, now, nope,” Nile jumped in, even before Nicky or Joe could. “Nuh-uh. That wasn’t you.”

“My hand, my body. I killed him. Stevie - my best friend, my  _ brother _ \- “ James choked. “And he’s not going to be coming back.”

“Maybe so, but it wasn’t your will or your mind,” Nile said. “I told you, I read the file.”

“You all know everything about me, but I really don’t know a thing about any of you,” James snapped. 

“Wait a second,” Booker snapped his fingers. “I _ know _ you.”

“Yes, you’ve been dreaming of him,” Joe said.  Nicky could  _ feel  _ Joe rolling his eyes. 

“And we told you who he was in the car,” Andy pointed out.

“Right, of course, but I’m talking  _ before  _ all this,” Booker protested. “I’m positive - we met once, back in the war. Had a drink together in some pub in...in… ah, who the fuck cares. It was a war, war is shit, and the place had alcohol. All it really needed, anyway.”

“Did we…” James looked at Booker wildly, then over to Joe and Nicky and there was something playing in his head Nicky couldn’t figure out.

“Nah, nothin’ like that. It was just a drink,” Booker waved his hand - the one  _ not  _ clutching the flask with white knuckles. “It’s just weird, meeting somebody I knew almost a hundred years ago, someone I only met in passing. You got famous, did you know that?”

“Yeah, that’d be because of Steve,” James said, tensing again. “I’d rather not talk about that. Or him.”

“Yeah, sure, I get it,” Booker said. “Want a drink?”

“You should be quitting, Book,” Andy said.

“Why? Not like it’ll kill me,” Booker protested. “Don’t got much else going on for me these days, either. How long do I get to stay before I have to leave again?”

“Book,” Andy said softly. “I told you, have faith.” She crouched beside the table, putting herself a little lower than Booker, who was slouching in the chair now. He looked startled, and Nicky held his breath while Joe stood frozen  beside him. Would this work? Would they be able to integrate Booker back into their little family, or had something broken beyond repair with his betrayal? Nile and James looked on, more curious than anything else. “You’re here with us now and we’ve decided, all of us, that that’s where we want you to stay.”

“That’s not the punishment, boss,” Booker said roughly. “A hundred years. You said - it’s only been one.”

“I think you’ve been punished enough,” Andy said. “You’ve already been suffering for close to two hundred years. Don’t you think it’s time for that to end?”

Booker closed his eyes and a tear slipped down his face. He slid out of the chair, t he flask falling to the ground discarded. He went to his knees and wrapped himself around Andy. She held him as he cried, near silent, into her shirt and Joe and Nicky scrambled up, tripping over themselves to join her and Booker on the floor, holding both of them close.

Beneath them, bracketed by their arms and bodies, Booker shook, breaking down in a way Nicky could not ever remember. It was scary to see, but maybe… maybe _this_ was the catharsis Booker had needed. With 200 years of it built up, this was likely only a start. But it was a _start._ Joe curled his head into Bookers shoulder, muttering soft words, while Nicky ran his fingers through Bookers hair. It had grown in his absence and sorely needed a cut. 

He wasn’t sure how long they sat that way, kneeling on the floor and ignoring the world, but when they finally broke apart, Booker's eyes were red rimmed and puffy for a short, short time before it started to ease away. In the meantime, Nile and James had moved off to the other side of the room. Nile had broken out a deck of cards and they sat on one of the beds with the cards between them, their legs drawn up on the comforter. James’s face had lost some of the haunted expression as he stared down at the cards like they held the answers to the world. He placed a card, then looked at Nile, a hesitant smile quirking one corner of his lips before it fell away again.

And Nicky started to think maybe they’d be all right after all. Booker and James too. All that was left wrong in the world was Quynh’s drowning and Andy’s mortality.

* * *

They had to turn in the sedan for something a little bigger, now that they had Booker too. It was a little too difficult to squeeze into such a small car when almost everyone was close to 2 meters. But once they switched out, they continued their way north. It was nearly 7 hours of driving to get to the place Copley had found, sticking to as many backroads as they could - which wasn’t as many as they would have liked. They stopped and stocked up on supplies in a few different places, leaving the more perishable stuff for their last stop.

It would still be at least an hour before they reached their destination, so they made sure to have coolers packed with ice. There were no grocery stores closer than that, but it wasn’t like they didn’t know how to live off the land, if worse came to worst .

They took turns at each stop, everyone getting a chance to stretch their legs, but James never left the van until they finally pulled to a stop before a quaint little cottage. There was another truck there already, something beat up, a man leaning against it. 

Everyone stayed in the van as Andy got out, approaching the man. The man straightened, and smiled, shaking her hand. They couldn’t hear the words being said so Nicky let the others keep watch while he took in the place they’d found themselves in.

It was as remote as they could have hoped for, not even anything more than a dirt road leading them here. The little one story house - cottage? - was at the top of a hill, with a rundown garden beside it. There was a clearing between the garden and the trees and the trees were thick, a barrier between them and the world. On the other side of the gray stone house was a lake. The view was gorgeous, and Nicky could already hear Joe waxing poetic about it,  though he had not yet said a word, and feel his fingers itching to capture it  by the twitch of Joe’s hand inside Nicky’s.

A door slammed and an engine coughed and turned over as the truck left, leaving them in dust as Andy returned to the van.

“Got the keys and the names of anyone we might need should we have any problems,” Andy said. Of course, Nicky knew they wouldn’t be calling anyone for any sort of problem, and they could have gotten in, even without the keys, but that might have caused problems later on.

Booker went in first, sweeping the place with Nile as Joe and Nicky checked the kitchen. Andy and James were behind them, bringing in the first of their supplies, and soon enough they were all making trips to the van and back. 

Nicky took over the kitchen, guiding everyone on where he wanted to put things, encouraging James to help. He remembered the James from Romania, who’d liked to cook, to share space with Nicky in the kitchen. He hoped he could bring that part of James back out once more and that it wasn’t lost behind everything that HYDRA had done to him.

It would take time. They had that. What they needed now was patience. Joe smiled at him and Nicky paused to trail his fingers over Joe’s face and share a soft kiss. 

Together, they would have patience.

They would heal. All of them.

**Author's Note:**

> an extra thank you to Hermit who fixed all my Nicolo's into the proper spelling so here's hoping the cut and paste worked!


End file.
